Man is almost mad—mad because he is seeking something which he has already got; mad because he’s not aware of who he is; mad because he hopes, desires and then ultimately, feels frustrated. Frustration is bound to be there because you cannot find yourself by seeking; you are already there. The seeking has to stop, the search has to drop… ~Osho
Pneuma – the air, the breath, the life. The philosophical soul. The essence of will and thought.
Kinesis – the moving, the changing, the realization, the becoming. The motion of a body through phases of existence or states of being.
This blog is intended as an experiment of sorts, a journal, and a sounding board. It’s sort of a result of some decisions and some changes I’ve been making, the most important of which is probably to start willfully shaping myself and nurturing parts of my personality that I think are valuable and present, but… lacking, I guess.
So where am I coming from? A sort of vague, procrastinating, indecisive rut, in many ways. I saw somewhere that “endurance is another way to excuse sloth” the other day, and it stung some. I’ve been hanging in there on one of my biggest professional goals, watching other people fail themselves out, excuse themselves from the effort, or coast while I’ve pardoned myself for not achieving what I want to by saying that “I’m still here” and “I’m doing this the right way and that does take longer” and (maybe slightly more reasonably) “I’ve come a long way towards being able to do this but there’s a long way to go.”
I have a habit of letting myself down, breaking promises, and – probably the worst for me – giving in to fear. I can put myself on the line for what’s right in arenas where I don’t really give a crap about whether I get fired, ostracized, or otherwise penalized for it, but in situations where I want to succeed, I’m often so afraid of sticking my neck out or being seen unfavorably that I may as well be paralyzed. It’s a cruel irony. I get so much more accomplished towards ends I don’t give a damn about than otherwise. And I beat the hell out of myself for the excuses, the cowardice, the lack of movement. I don’t know if it’s some bizarre sort of coping mechanism or some flavor of emotional masochism, but it’s one of the big things that I’m hoping to change and chronicle with this site.
To know what is right, and not to do it, is the worst kind of cowardice – Confucius
For starters, I’ve revisited what I consider “right” in my life. I’ve reaffirmed that it’s more important to do anything ethically and morally than quickly and profitably. Live a life of wealth rather than get rich quick. I’ve come to the conclusion that I’ve not been as good in the past at building relationships with people as I’d like to have been. I’ve acknowledged lots of stuff that I don’t need and don’t use. I realized a few months ago that when I stopped physical training, I stopped doing what was both a great emotional outlet for me and probably the most powerfully spiritual activity that I’ve got.
I’ve recommitted to action on these points, too. I’ve decided to study great relationship-builders, to make more effort to learn about and show care for people I’ve known forever and people I’ve only recently met. I’ve joined a martial arts school again and consider myself to be a serious practitioner (or student, at least) for the first time in years. I’m exploring ways to be accountable to others and to be more accountable to myself, but kinder. More encouragement and less threat. More building and less punishment. Like I mentioned earlier, this blog is one of those methods. I’ve decided to indulge in more philosophy and less process, and to work towards more grace rather than more technique.
I guess in the end I’m looking for more peace of mind. Not peace, not boredom, and not a lack of challenge. But something closer to serenity, maybe. Learning to be more for the moment, more for the people around me, and to so thoroughly incorporate what I value into my being that I don’t have to think or to plan or to make time for it. I’ll live it instinctively and hopefully it will be something that just about every act reinforces to me and demonstrates to others.
So, off we go! I’m aiming for about an entry a week! Poke me if I vanish!
Next time, physicality and spirituality!